Note:Once again, tblog censored the title of one of my posts. It was "S" is for "Suck". Why is it I can put something like shit-eating donkeyball licker IN a post, but can't put "suck" or "gay" in the title?

I played Scrabble this week for the first time in years. I remember now why I hated playing Scrabble in the first place.

Here's the setting. There were four of us playing, my wife, her sister, HER husband, and me. We had already played two games and were at the very end of what was our last game. There were no more tiles to be drawn and each of us were trying to use the last of what we held. There wasn't much of a chance of someone dropping "Birsled" or "Euripi" on the board, we were trying to find room for a single "V" or an "A" and "I." "Van," "Ail," was the limit to what we'd be able to get.

My problem with playing Scrabble with my in-laws is that you must use The Book&trade . If the word you use is not in The Book&trade, it doesn't count, and I've gotten burned by this before. So I usually stick to words that are indisputable, like "stick" and "words." I played "Radomes" earlier and had to wait a tense 2 minutes as the word was challenged (and subsequently upheld.)

During one of the earlier rounds, I had a G, L, U, and N, and an open O to play on. I debated playing the word "Gluon," but, knowing that gluons were not discovered until the late 1970's and not knowing how old this edition of Scrabble was we were playing, I decided against it. You see, for my in-laws, just proving that a word exists is not sufficient. As I said earlier, if a word is not in The Book&trade, it is not technically a word for the game in which we are playing. Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary; 11th Edition simply won't do.

So, as our last game was in its final throes, I decided to look at The Book&trade and see if "gluon" was in there. My mother-in-law, Scrabble Master and Word Wizard Supreme, eyes wide, asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!" "Looking up a word," I reply. She's aghast, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!" She goes on to explain that you are not allowed to look in The Book&trade except on challenges. Having been briefed on The Rules&trade prior to the game, I explain that the round is effectively over, that we would not be playing anymore and I was just checking to see if a word I wanted to play in a previous round would have been valid. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! IT'S IN THE RULES&trade!!!! If you look in The Book&trade, there's a chance you'll see a word you can play with what you have."

I asked "What difference does it make? The game is over, I'm not going to be able to play this word, I am just looking to see if it's in there for next time." At this point, I was remembering how just 20 minutes earlier my mother-in-law had helpfully told my wife that "Xi" is a word in order for her to play an "X" tile (and also take the lead over yours truly). When asked what it meant, she said "I don't know. Me and momma (my wife's grandmother, a wise woman in her own right) used to study that book so we would always be able to play something with what we had."

"How did you learn that ecks-eye ("Xi," since no one knew how to pronounce it, just that it was in The Book&trade and, thus, was an official Word&trade) was a word?"

"I told you, I used to look at the book in my spare time."

"I don't understand the difference. Why can you look in the book in your spare time to learn words to play, but I can't look in the book for this one word and see if I could (emphasis on past tense) have played it."

"You're just not supposed to, it's in The Rules&trade ."

"So, what you're telling me is that I can't look in The Book&trade right now, but if I were to wait the 3 minutes its going to take for this game to be over and THEN look, I would be within my rights?"

She brightened at that, as if her petulant child (which I admit, I am of hers sometimes) had finally caught on to some basic parenting tenet, "EXACTLY!"

"That's stupid."

"Heavyarms, that's The Rules&trade ."

"Well, I have a problem with The Rules&trade . The Rules&trade allow you to play words that you don't even know the meaning of. (Along with the aforementioned "Xi," "Ab" and "Ya" were also played, challenged (by me) and upheld. The words were played, not because the player knew what they meant but simply because the player knew they were in The Book&trade . You should have to know what a word means before you can play it, and any definable word should be allowed."

"Those aren't The Rules&trade ."

"The Rules&trade are not logical."

I guess that's my main problem with Scrabble. It doesn't reward players for their knowledge and vocabulary so much as it rewards you for memorizing The Book&trade . My memory sucks.