Now look. I like Playboy. I own quite a few issues. In fact, if someone can point me in the direction of the May 1994 issue (with Elle Macpherson), I would greatly appreciate it. But dammit, Playboy, you knew what you were doing! If I had heard that Jessica Alba was on the cover of Playboy and hadn't heard the rest of the story, I would have been at Barnes and Nobles at 3 in the morning waiting for the doors to open. Why? Because I would have (quite naturally) assumed that Jessica Alba was featured in a spread. And I would have been pissed off when I only found a spread of Ms. Julie Stevens of Beaver Dam, Idaho. Now, I'm sure that Julie is a lovely young woman with many charming...umm...assets, but she isn't Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba is quite possibly the finest creature that has EVER walked the face of the Earth (apologies to my wife.) She is certainly the finest one walking the earth RIGHT NOW. So, to you, Hef, I won't be buying your magazine for a month or so. Maybe that will teach you.

To Jessica Alba, I would say I am mentally traumatized by this whole thing. The prospect of a Jessica Alba spread, not in Maxim, not in Stuff, not in Blender, but in PLAYBOY...Arrrgh! So close! I think the only way the world can make this up to me is to actually give me that spread. I'll play Jimmy Carter and be the one to broker the whole deal. I'll even take the pictures. I'm married so nothing would happen, I swear! Jessica, if you're reading this, consider my points:

1) I GUARANTEE this would be the highest selling magazine (not just Playboy, but out of all of them) OF ALL TIME! EVER! No other magazine could ever possibly hope to duplicate the sales. Unless it featured a spread of Jessica Alba and Stacy Keibler (who runs a VERY close second to Jessica) making out or something, but we want it to be classy.
2) Playboy is considered TASTEFUL in the porn world. It isn't a skanky magazine like Jizz Licker, Hot Knockers, Spooge Face, or Penthouse. Think of all the fine young women who have preceeded you. Elle Macpherson, Jane Seymour, Raquel Welch, Farrah Fawcett, Sophia Loren. All are classy, beautiful women in their own right. Their careers didn't suffer, their popularity didn't decline. In fact, I would venture to say that their careers were ENHANCED by appearing in Playboy. Yeah, that's it!
3) Did I mention that you are the finest thing on two feet right now? You OWE it to the world. You are a walking peice of art, a Degas with legs, Venus de Milo in the flesh. While I appreciate your efforts to give us as much as possible in that scuba diving movie, it would be a travesty if this did not happen. Okay, screw the rest of the world, a couple of polaroids sent in an umarked envelope to my address would be sweet.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do. Just trying to get her to look at it in a different perspective. One that considers the human species as a whole and our global history. When man from 2000 years in the future uncovers ancient Los Angeles, I don't want them to have to figure anything out. When they wonder what we held as a standard of beauty, I want them to be able to find the December 2006 issue of Playboy with the Jessica Alba centerfold and go "Aha! How come our hairless, androgynous female units do not look like this. Ye Gods! (Man from the future will say "Ye Gods!" a lot. Also, they won't use contractions.) Even her eyebrows are sexy!" Yes, Future Man, they certainly are.

I'm not a sexist, I just appreciate the finest of the fairer sex. As my hero, Rush Limbaugh, would say, "I love the feminine movement. Especially from behind."

See you, Space Cowboy...