Having a child play organized sports can be a trying time for a dad, and I'm not talking about just fretting over possible injury. You hope your child will be handle adversity. You hope that the teammates with more experience don't look upon your child as a liability or tease him for not playing like Cal Ripken. You hope your child gets a coach that won't give up on him because he doesn't play like Cal Ripken. You hope against hope that your child doesn't get stuck in the "players who play like Cal Ripken if he were a paralyzed quadruple amputee with scoliosis" position...otherwise known as Right Field.

Li'l Heavyarms played right field.

Heavyarms is a far cry from an actual athlete, but keeping in mind the old adage "Those who can, do. Those who can't…COACH," I had plenty of baseball tidbits to offer him. Things like:
"Keep your head in there!"
"Open your stance up!"
"Ready position!"
"Keep the ball in front of you!"
"Get your glove up!"
"Keep your eye on the ball!"

Parents/pseudo-coaches don't realize that most of those phrases are about as meaningful to a 7-year old as dissertation on quantum mechanics, but we helpfully yell them at our children during a game anyway. I guess it’s sort of like asking someone "How're you doin'?" You don't really care, you just say it because everybody’s sayin' it.

Strangely, my son didn't pick up on Baseball Basics during his first game. He was still asking what a force out was after his second game. I was still constantly reminding him to back up throws to first after his third game.

ANECDOTE: My family and I attended a professional baseball game during the season, and without fail my wife would say "oh, oh, oh!" on every single throw to first base. After a while, she said, "Man, they never miss a throw to first do they?" "No," I replied, "Professional baseball isn't like little league. Not every throw to first base is an exciting play." Parents of little leaguers will know what I’m talking about.

"Dad, can he spend the night with us?" my son asked.

I guess baseball isn't as important to a 7-year old.

The second close call came against the team they were (at the time) tied with for first place. They were losing 11-3 with two outs at the bottom of the third inning when the game was called for weather. One more out and the game would have been official. When the game was rescheduled our team managed to score 13 runs while holding the opposition to only 4. My son was hitless in three at bats, and as we left the field he was sad. "What's wrong, you guys won?" "Yeah, but I didn't get a hit." "So? You would have gotten on base against any other team in the league (this was true, their third and first basemen were unbelievably good.) And what's more, even though you got thrown out, you drove home a run." "Yeah, that's true." "And you guys won by one run." "I guess so." "So you might even say that you drove in the winning run." "Hey, that's true! Can I have a milkshake?"

Showing that even an apparent failure can sometimes be viewed as beneficial makes things go down a little bit easier.

Especially when combined with a milkshake. 

So this is a spur of the moment kind of deal, but in the 5 or so months I have been (mostly) absent there have been a few people (more than I would have expected) who have actually written and asked how I was. Even more surprising is that they don't really know who I am, other than the drivel I've spewed forth here. So this is payback for them. Sweet, sweet payback.

And I totally stole this from AuntConi, who in turn stole it from the Dread PirateGal.

What is your full name?
Angry White Male. Heavyarms to you.

What are you most afraid of?
Spiders. Seriously.

What is the most recent movie that you have seen on bootleg?
E.T. when I was a kid. Some dude brought his JVC camera into the theater and filmed the whole thing.

Place of birth?
Alexandria. Virginia, Louisiana, or Egypt. Can't remember.

Favorite food is?
Pizza, or chinese. Also, true Barbecue,

What is your natural hair color?
Dirty Blonde

Ever been to Freak Nick?
Freak what?
Freak Nick.
What Nick?
FREAK NICK!
what what?

Ever been skinny-dipping?
Multiple times. Always alone.

Love someone so much they made you cry?
Do Transformers count? My wife, maybe. I try not to cry since guys like John Wayne and Conan don't.

Been in a car accident?
Three. One serious.

Croutons or bacon bits?
both.

Favorite day of the week would be?
The ones that aren't filled with suckage.

Favorite restaurant?
Several. None are national chains.

Favorite sport to watch?
REAL Football (i.e. American.) Hockey. Auto Racing (all kinds). Baseball if I'm actually at the ball park.

Favorite drink?
Coke. Sometimes with his good friend Jack. Also...beer.

Favorite ice cream?
It used to be Breyer's French Vanilla. (Remember milk, cream, sugar, eggs?) Now they put "tara gum" in it, whatever the hell that is. My favorite ice cream now is what I make at home.

Warner Brothers/Disney?
neither.

Ever been on a ship?
Never at sea. I have visited the USS Kidd, USS Alabama, USS Drum, USS Missouri, and, proudly, the USS Arizona memorial.

What color is your bedroom carpet?
An off-white berber affair that needs to be replaced.

How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Did not fail, but I missed the maximum number of questions you could miss and still pass. Kicked ass on the driving portion.

What do you do when you are bored?
I am never bored.

What time is bedtime?
I'd say between the hours of 10pm and 3am, though here lately midnight is pushing it.

Favorite TV shows?
Good Eats, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Battlestar Galactica, South Park, Heroes, Lost, Deadliest Catch, anything on the History Channel about WWII, The X-Files, Futurama

Last person you went to dinner with?
My wife.

Park or Zoo?
My kids would prefer a zoo, so I gotta go with that.

What are your favorite colors?
Well, most of my t-shirts are black, so black I guess.

How many tattoos do you have?
Tattoos are retarded.

How many pets do you have?
One. Anybody want a yellow lab that sleeps, digs, and chews too much?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
My scientific mind says egg. My religious mind say chicken.
Actual answer: *shrug*

What do you want to do before you die?
Make sure my family doesn't need anything else from me.

Have you ever been to Hawaii?
Yup. Plan to return.

Have you been to countries outside the U.S.?
Nope