Okay. On VH1 (or maybe it's MTV2) right now it's Metal Month or something stupid. I have a problem with this, and it happens EVERY TIME one of these channels does "Metal Mania" or "Monsters of Metal" or some shit. The suits running these channels have NO IDEA what constitutes heavy metal. So I, ever the helpful person, will try to explain "metal" to those not in the know.

First, long hair and guitars does not metal make. Here are some bands commonly associated with metal:

Metallica - Metal (it's in the name)
Def Leppard - NOT Metal
Anthrax - Metal
Poison - NOT Metal
Slayer - Metal
Bon Jovi - NOT Metal
Pantera - DEFINITELY Metal
Winger - Dear God, NOT Metal

Now, I've intentionally left off more modern bands, (Lamb of God, etc.) Why? well because you can tell its metal. It all sounds the same. The guitars are percusive, and the singers all sound like they're sick on seafood rather than actually singing. There is no doubting these bands are metal, and there are no posers out there trying to seem like they're metal, but aren't really (Winger.)

For some reason, historians are starting to lump any loud band with long hair, guitars, and leather in the group "heavy metal." There was a documentary on VH1 called "The Story of Metal" and, (I swear to God I'm not making this up,) the last 15 minutes of the story were on Def Leppard. Huh? Def Leppard is slightly more metal than the Backstreet Boys, but only because they play their own guitars. A quick rule of thumb, if over 40% of a band's catalog of songs is dedicated to the subject of "Love," or over 40% of their fan base is female, they aren't metal.

Now, I ain't knockin' Def Leppard, or any of these other groups. They made their money, and I won't take away from them as musicians. But are they metal? Never. These bands can usually be lumped into one of two groups: 1) Hard Rock, 2) Pussy Rock.

Hard Rock
Bands like AC/DC, Guns 'N Roses, Tool, Sevendust, Faith No More, Soundgarden. These groups have ALL been described as Heavy Metal, but are not. The jury's still out on AC/DC for me, but I prefer to err on the side of caution and not elevate them to the level of Metal. (AC/DC rocks, by the way.)

Pussy Rock
Named not for the type of guys in the band, but for the creature the band is hoping to attract. Sorry, but metal bands don't spend their time singing songs with the word "heart" in them, unless that song also has the words "rip" or "bleeds" or "still beating." Metal bands sing about death and destruction and Satan and punching cats right in their smug little faces. Things that make you really uncomfortable. MOST chicks don't dig these type of songs, and thus are not usually the larger portion of a metal band's fan base.

Metal fans, there is nothing wrong with listening to non-metal music. I personally like Zeppelin, Skynyrd, Weezer, and others. I try to be diverse. But for Pete's sake, don't stand idly by while NON-metal bands are bestowed the label of "Metal." Let someone know they are making a mistake. Stand up and defend the label "Metal."

Today's "Are You Fucking Kidding Me??!!!" Headline
Judge rules CHILD MOLSTER is too short for prison
That's right a JUDGE has ruled that a 5 foot 1 inch tall CHILD MOLESTER is too short to go to jail. The kicker is that the judge tells the the CHILD MOLESTER

"I truly hope that my bet on you being OK out in society is not misplaced."

The Da Vinci Code
Britney Spears
New Orleans
Ray Nagin
George W. Bush
ILLEGAL fucking aliens
liberals
Republicans
my Regional Vice President
Gas Prices
People who think gas companies are price gouging
People who don't get how "tax cuts for the rich" actually work
Hollywood
George Clooney
ER
Reality Television
Anyone behind the wheel of a car who ain't me
Self-righteous blogs where the writer actually thinks people give a shit about their opinion.

Today's complaint about life post-2000 AD
Where's my fucking jetpack? They said we'd get jetpacks.

Today's "on second thought, maybe that ain't such a good idea."
Jetpacks. I've seen you out there on the interstate, moron. That's all I need is your dumb ass hurtling through the air at 500 mph.

Da Vinci Code Protestors
Noticed a group of these folks out there today on my way to the bank. Their signs indicated that they thought the film (and the book, I suppose) was blasphemous. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I would consider myself a Christian, though not an exemplary one. I've not read the book, mainly because I've heard it is poorly written and relies on chapter to chapter "cliffhangers" to maintain it's page-turning status. Probably will pick it up at the library one day.

On one hand, I can see how people can get upset over this film, because it is in conflict with their belief regarding the life of Christ. However, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks and Sony have a right to make a film about whatever they want. I think what people, on both sides, are forgetting is that The Da Vinci code is a work of FICTION. The book, and the film subsequently, are no more real than Harry Potter, or Star Wars. Just because it deals with Christianity, rather than Wizardy or The Force is the reason people are upset. If these people knew how some other cultures deal with or portray Christianity, The Da Vinci Code wouldn't seem like such a big deal. Your (well-thought out, logical) feelings and comments on this would be appreciated.

Farewell
I just found out that I am loosing a very good friend. She didn't die or anything, just going away.

Congratulations
To my son, who finished Kindergarten today. I'm very proud of him. He just found out that he is also losing his best friend.
To me, for my blog hitting the 10,000 visit mark. Who'd have thought my parents had so little to do at work?

NEXT WEEK
The Ballectomy (take 2) procedure is drawing near. (Take 1 was waved off) YIKES! I'm all drawn up. Look for a Preview (take 2) next week, and a Review the following week.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$

I heard something while listening to the Radio Gawds this morning. (Seriously, if you find yourself at the computer one morning and want something to listen to, check out their morning show, 6-10, M-F. You won't ever listen to one of those weekday morning crapfests ever again). This illegal alien problem is a simple supply and demand problem. Simply wipe out the "demand" for illegal labor, the "supply" will go away. Severely penalize companies that hire them, you will adversely affect the "demand" and consequently the "supply" will dwindle.

I have an even better solution, and it will not only NOT cost more money, but might even *gasp* SAVE the country some money (I know, I know, not a very appealing idea to President George "I never spent a dollar I didn't like" Bush.) Supply and demand works another way. Right now, illegal aliens are parasites in this country. They get free healthcare, free education, social security, free bullshit. By "free," I mean free to them, but not free to American taxpayers. Get rid of all their freebies. No more free health care, no more free education for their children. Dry up the "supply" for freebies, and they won't "demand" to come in to our country illegally.

I know this sounds harsh, and I know that this could have a devastating impact on the little beaners out there, but dammit, the American taxpayers can only bleed so much before they bleed out. I've said it before, there is an invasion going on. Not with guns, and not with violence, but it's happening. If we don't do something about it RIGHT NOW, we're screwed.

OH MY DEAR GOD! Has there ever walked a finer creature on God's green earth? (FYI, there are links to FOUR photo galleries above, check them all out.)

Well, maybe one.

Who says that there is no good free porn on the web?

I have a feeling I'm going to be very busy for the next couple of days. Probably a little sleepy, too. Maybe a little sore. Thank you Maxim and Stuff for giving us borderline porn that we can feel comfortable leaving around the house.

You clicked on the Free Porn link, didn't you? Perv...

Yesterday, Juan robbed Barry Bonds of a homerun that would have tied him for 2nd all time with Babe Ruth. Good job, Juan.

NOTE:
(Flags of Our Fathers follows the paths of the six flagraisers in the famous Rosenthal photo from childhood through Iwo Jima (which is where some of their lives ended) and then the aftermath. James Bradley is the son of one of the flag raisers.

According to the apparently unbiased website Antiwar.com, there have been 2420 US troop deaths in Iraq since the festivities began back in 2003, and an additional 295 killed in Afghanistan. The official number of wounded is 17,648. Roughly 72 killed per month.

Now, let's look at the Battle of Iwo Jima. A quick refresher for you non-historians out there. Iwo Jima is a small volcanic island in the Pacific, about 8 square miles. For the Japanese, it was part of their homeland. There were two completed airfields and a third under construction. These were used as a base for Japanese fighters to intercept US bombers on their way to Japan. The US decided to invade this tiny island in order to clear the way for the bombing, and possibly to use it as an airbase from which to launch bombing raids.

After suffering several other defeats at the hands of the US, Iwo Jima became all the more important to the Japanese. Iwo Jima held a garrison of 22,000 Japanese troops. It was heavily armed. In order to get around on the island, some 16 miles of tunnels were dug. Japan was ready for an invasion of the tiny island.

The US invaded the island on February 19, 1945. It was declared secure on March 26, 1945. 36 days to secure an 8 mile stretch of land. The US invasion force consisted of around 70,000 Marines. Of these, over 7,000 were killed. Another 19,000 were wounded. Of the 22,000 Japanese on the island, a little more than 1,000 were taken alive. Think about that for a moment. SEVEN THOUSAND US Marines killed in just 36 days of combat. Nearly 4 times as many killed on this small volcano as killed in the whole of Iraq. In THIRTY SIX DAYS. The daily death rate on Iwo Jima was over TWO AND A HALF TIMES the monthly death rate in this current war.

Japan hoped that a prolonged and bloody battle would weaken American resolve, and that we would withdraw from the Pacific theater. Thank God it didn't. Too bad we've lost our resolve since then.

Nominated CIA director Gen. Michael Hayden;

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew;

and talk show host Neal Boortz (The Talkmaster):

Vicarious - Good start, good choice for the first single because its the most radio friendly (if there is such a thing for Tool songs.) Sounds just like a leftover from Lateralus

Jambi - Very good song. However, there's a talkbox solo in the middle. I hate talkboxes. Thank you, Peter Frampton..

Wings for Marie pt. 1 - Meh, never really gets going. Sort of like 6 minutes of "tool filler."(Tool filler - n. tracks that are not really songs, more like interludes between the songs)

10,000 Days - Again, never really gets going. Gets promising around the 8 1/2 minute mark, but then sort of peters out.

The Pot - So far my favorite song on the CD. MJK's uses his vocal range here, doesn't do that much on other songs.

Lipan Conjuring - Some sort of Native American chant sounding thing. Tool filler.

Lost Keys (Blame Hoffman) - Tool Filler. I like it. Segues into the next track.

Rosetta Stoned - I like the song's riff and music. Lyrically a little jumbled in some places, but this is a typical Tool song.

Intension - I don't know what the hell this is supposed to be. I'm not that crazy about it.

Right in Two - Another pretty good song.

Viginti Trees - More Tool filler. I don't know if this is supposed to be the "hidden track" or not, can't remember if it was on the track list or not. There's some pretty neat things going on aurally, but I think its sort of a weak way to close out the album.

Now remember, this is only a first impression. I've only listened to the album three times. The first couple of times I listened to Lateralus, I wasn't that crazy about it. Probably because I wanted another Aenima or Undertow. I'm just not sure how to feel at this point. It starts off strong and ends kind of weak. There's no track that makes you want to go "Damn, that was a pretty good song right there." My main complaint is that I consider Maynard one of the two best "rock" vocalists out there (along with Chris Cornell), but the vocals are dialed way back on this album. The level is about the same as the instruments, and MJK never really raises his voice. I like the album, just not as much as the previous three. Maybe it will grow on me. Lateralus did sure did. The album packaging is fantastic, though.

Spiritually, Moussaoui is prepared to die for Islam. However, spiritually, Moussaoui is ILL-prepared to be Nasty Nate's bitch for the rest of his life. Hopefully he'll be put in a nice friendly prison like Angola.