When the fuck did this happen?

Apparently, I am the only person in the known universe who is surprised by this, as well.

First a little background. I started writing poetry not because I felt like some sort of artist or anything like that, but to impress a girl. Cindy Reid. Ahh, beautiful Cindy. Well, "beautiful" doesn't do her justice. She was HOT. Six inches from the sun hot. She also had a great smile and laugh that made me feel.... So I poured it on thick, the way any dorky adolescent moron would do. I would "accidentally" run into her in the hall. Our lockers were next to each other, so that helped. I'd make sure to say hi after football games and wave to her as we headed to the locker room (the team, not her and I.) She picked me up when she drove past me walking to school a couple of times. I was in love the way any 16 year old could be in love.

And I'd write her poetry. It wasn't romantic poetry, just words and stuff put together in verse form. Sometimes it was nutty, sometimes it was corny, (it might be brown or greenish brown) and she'd read it (she was the only one) and she'd love it, or at least say she did. And I was in heaven. Then HE happened. Another man (fucking Hal Traxler. I HATE Hal Traxler.) The dream was over.

Of course, that was a billion years ago, just a cobweb-addled memory. Just thought I'd like to share the backstory with you, my faithful readers. Both of you. Anyway, here's me waxing poetic in a manner that would make Thoreau or Emmerson jealous. Okay, maybe not. Thoreau can kiss my ass for my having to read Walden and write a paper on it in college. Some of these are 1990's grunge band-era, some are today. Hey, it'll be fun to guess which is which.

The apple of my soul
feeling rotten to the core
a worm of uncertainty
crawls around inside me
Leaving me empty, brown, and pulpy
but hey
at least the outside's shiny

MORE TO COME...

1) How did the dinosaurs die? Was it a comet, disease, climate change, or Dick Clark?
2) Did Pangea really exist?
3) How about that whole Universe/Big Bang/Life on Earth thing? How did that really happen?
4) Who was the first human that decided to make beer? How'd he stumble across that process?
5) How about the first person that decided to go after some honey? That was pretty ballsy.
6) Are there other planets like Earth?
7) What do Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune look like in the middle?
8) Is it possible to go faster than the speed of light, or is there an absolute limit?
9) How come the older you get, the faster time seems to go by?
10) Why is Eddie Van Halen so fucking good at playing guitar? How come I suck so bad?
11) Did you really flood the WHOLE Earth? How did Noah squeeze all those animals on that boat?
12) Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee? Chuck Norris, right?
13) Do you really hate fags? Some jackass just made that up, didn't he?
14) If you drive a VW Beetle at the speed of light and turn the headlights on, will they work?
15) Did Ted Kennedy allow Mary Jo to die?
16) What was Satan like before he was a dick?
17) What is the funniest movie ever made, really?
18) Islam, they got it wrong, didn't they?
19) How about Catholics?
20) Will I ever know?

People who are not passing and won't get the fuck out of the passing lane
People who begin questions with the phrase "I have a question..."
People who say "you know", you know, while they're, you know, talking, you know?
Smokers who flick their fucking cigarette butts out the window of their car
Smokers
People who litter in general
White boys who drive around with their hats sideways and listening to G-Thug-Unit-Ice-Tea-Cube. That may be alright for Flavor Flav, but it don't work for you, honky.
People who pull out in front of you, then drive slower than you are driving
George W. Bush
B. J. Clinton
John F'ing Kerry
Kathleen Babineaux Blanco
People who look down on Godzilla movies
People who think Metallica are sellouts
People who hate Jason Newstead for quitting Metallica
People in movie theaters who won't SHUT THE FUCK UP!
When you wait 5 years to buy a DVD because you think the Special-Collector's-Ultim ate-Super-Ultra Edition will come out as soon as you buy it, then you finally give in a buy the original, and the Special-Collector's-Ultim ate-Super-Ultra Edition comes out the next fucking week (Batman!)
George Lucas for giving us 40 different versions of The Holy Trilogy, but can't seem to put the original versions out on DVD
Forgetting a song on the guitar
Shitty amps
Not knowing
Knowing, but not liking the answer
Bad coffee
Hot beer
Cold hamburgers
Only getting 24 hours in the day
Not being around your friend(s)
The Oakland Raiders

Next: Things I wonder...(or, Things I Would Ask God About if I Met Him Tomorrow.)

Now, I believe, FIRMLY believe, that the American marketplace should be how financial decisions are made. Don't like MacDonalds selling you Super Size combos? Stop going there and Ronald will pay attention. Don't allow yourself to be swayed by some documentary a guy makes about how harmful their food is and shows you by eating it three times a day for 30 days. What I'm saying is, American businesses should make their decisions regarding the way they practice business based upon the consumer public. Not under threat from the FDA, or FCC, any other Federal agency. So I am glad that the American public got their voice heard. They weren't happy about a bunch of A-Rabs taking "running our ports" and now it looks like it won't happen.

However, I have read a piece by Rich Galen that has me looking at the issue in a different light. (BTW, if you appreciate well-written conservative commentary, you really should subscribe to Rich's column, Mullings. You can voluntarily pay, but it is free.) Rich says:

In World War II we seemed to be able to distinguish between Asians of Japanese ancestry and those who were Chinese, or Thai, or Filipino. Nor did we have a problem understanding that some Europeans were Danish and others - who looked very much like them - were German.

If we are to officially hate Arabs, do we only hate Islamic Arabs or should we also hate Arabs who are Christians?

If it is Islam, then are we to also hate Muslims in Africa? Or in Indonesia? How about Muslims who are American citizens? And, if so, should we hate White and Black Muslim Americans equally, or do African-American Muslims get a bye based upon how their forebears were treated?

We may have found a political port in this Dubai storm, but if, for the price of it, we have agreed that state-sponsored racism is acceptable public policy, then we will be sailing into a great deal of troubled water in the years ahead.

Next week, a review of the first (and best) Star Wars movie, Episdoe IV, A New Hope. Straight from the mouth of a babe (the young kind, not the hot kind). Believe it or not, I have found a person over the age of 30 that has NEVER seen Star Wars. Once I got over my fainting spell, I informed this person she's got to watch it. Now I have to convice her to give me a review. It may only be a few sentences, but, I think it will be interesting to see how the classic holds up with the modern day fluff of Independence Day, or War of the Worlds, or Toyota commercials.

Later...

Now look. I like Playboy. I own quite a few issues. In fact, if someone can point me in the direction of the May 1994 issue (with Elle Macpherson), I would greatly appreciate it. But dammit, Playboy, you knew what you were doing! If I had heard that Jessica Alba was on the cover of Playboy and hadn't heard the rest of the story, I would have been at Barnes and Nobles at 3 in the morning waiting for the doors to open. Why? Because I would have (quite naturally) assumed that Jessica Alba was featured in a spread. And I would have been pissed off when I only found a spread of Ms. Julie Stevens of Beaver Dam, Idaho. Now, I'm sure that Julie is a lovely young woman with many charming...umm...assets, but she isn't Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba is quite possibly the finest creature that has EVER walked the face of the Earth (apologies to my wife.) She is certainly the finest one walking the earth RIGHT NOW. So, to you, Hef, I won't be buying your magazine for a month or so. Maybe that will teach you.

To Jessica Alba, I would say I am mentally traumatized by this whole thing. The prospect of a Jessica Alba spread, not in Maxim, not in Stuff, not in Blender, but in PLAYBOY...Arrrgh! So close! I think the only way the world can make this up to me is to actually give me that spread. I'll play Jimmy Carter and be the one to broker the whole deal. I'll even take the pictures. I'm married so nothing would happen, I swear! Jessica, if you're reading this, consider my points:

1) I GUARANTEE this would be the highest selling magazine (not just Playboy, but out of all of them) OF ALL TIME! EVER! No other magazine could ever possibly hope to duplicate the sales. Unless it featured a spread of Jessica Alba and Stacy Keibler (who runs a VERY close second to Jessica) making out or something, but we want it to be classy.
2) Playboy is considered TASTEFUL in the porn world. It isn't a skanky magazine like Jizz Licker, Hot Knockers, Spooge Face, or Penthouse. Think of all the fine young women who have preceeded you. Elle Macpherson, Jane Seymour, Raquel Welch, Farrah Fawcett, Sophia Loren. All are classy, beautiful women in their own right. Their careers didn't suffer, their popularity didn't decline. In fact, I would venture to say that their careers were ENHANCED by appearing in Playboy. Yeah, that's it!
3) Did I mention that you are the finest thing on two feet right now? You OWE it to the world. You are a walking peice of art, a Degas with legs, Venus de Milo in the flesh. While I appreciate your efforts to give us as much as possible in that scuba diving movie, it would be a travesty if this did not happen. Okay, screw the rest of the world, a couple of polaroids sent in an umarked envelope to my address would be sweet.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do. Just trying to get her to look at it in a different perspective. One that considers the human species as a whole and our global history. When man from 2000 years in the future uncovers ancient Los Angeles, I don't want them to have to figure anything out. When they wonder what we held as a standard of beauty, I want them to be able to find the December 2006 issue of Playboy with the Jessica Alba centerfold and go "Aha! How come our hairless, androgynous female units do not look like this. Ye Gods! (Man from the future will say "Ye Gods!" a lot. Also, they won't use contractions.) Even her eyebrows are sexy!" Yes, Future Man, they certainly are.

I'm not a sexist, I just appreciate the finest of the fairer sex. As my hero, Rush Limbaugh, would say, "I love the feminine movement. Especially from behind."

See you, Space Cowboy...